


It Looks Ugly, But It's Clean (Rare and Sweet as Cherry Wine)

by 1Temmie_Official1



Series: I've Embraced The Calamity (I Guess It Doesn't Matter) [2]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Azula (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Azula (Avatar) Redemption, Azula (Avatar)-centric, Background Relationships, Character Study, Child Abuse, Emotional Hurt, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Established Relationship, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, I'm gonna just write this, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, Lesbian Azula (Avatar), Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Non-Chronological, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, POV Azula (Avatar), Self-Hatred, Self-Indulgent, Self-Reflection, This is not pretty, if I need to add tags pls tell me, if it turns out well then it turns out well, ish, oh btw I'm just adding tags as I go, trigger warning for like a lot of stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:47:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27268222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1Temmie_Official1/pseuds/1Temmie_Official1
Summary: "I'm okay" She repeats into the darkness of her own mind. "I'm okay." She lies to the company of her own self.Maybe if she repeats the lie enough times she can believe it, just like all the other ones.
Relationships: Azula & Ozai (Avatar), Azula/Jin (Avatar), Minor or Background Relationship(s), Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)
Series: I've Embraced The Calamity (I Guess It Doesn't Matter) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2034757
Comments: 10
Kudos: 101
Collections: avatar tingz





	It Looks Ugly, But It's Clean (Rare and Sweet as Cherry Wine)

Azula always prided herself on her memory.

She could recite facts about anything off the top of her head, she could sort things in her brain in ways that no one could. She was always good enough, she was perfect. If someone needed her to remember something for them, she would never forget. This was good for battle strategies, good for when she couldn't write something to paper.

She could not remember her childhood.

She already had forgotten her mother's face, the words she said to her, the "happy" moments they had. She remembered her yelling. She remembered how she called her a monster.

She had forgotten most of her mother. So Azula held on to the little things. How she hugged Azula once after she had fallen and scraped her knee. This was "getting better" but it didn't make the past better, didn't make the past child get the love she needed.

Don't let your thoughts go there.

Azula remembered her father. Most of all. How she was always perfect, up until she wasn't. How this was something _I expected your brother would have done, I'm disappointed in you_ and that she wasn't good enough. How she wasn't able to talk about it, how she had to lock it up and push it down until she didn't feel it anymore. She had to bottle her feelings for her brother, the protection and love she felt for him because he had been there for her no matter what father said- her feelings for girls, her feelings for her father. The anger, burning and bright just like the fire that always wanted to swallow her whole.

She remembered how he lectured her for hours on end, her feet planted on the floor and her back straight as she was reminded about all the bad things she had done, all the potential that she had wasted, all the time that he spent with her and how she still managed to _fail_. Zuko would have done better than you. This is something I would have expected from your brother. You could have done so much better. You know I love you, right? But I can't let you go down this path, you can do better than this. If you could just _try_ then you could do amazing things.

Azula couldn't remember the Agni Kai, the first one, not for three years. She couldn't remember until she heard children screaming while they played. They weren't hurt, but their screams.... it dug up the feelings, the way that she stood ramrod straight as it happened, the deafening silence that was in the room, the helplessness as he screamed and cried- she couldn't remember more. He deserved it, if he hadn't spoken out he wouldn't have deserved it.

He didn't deserve it. No one could deserve it. But could they? Her father wouldn't do it unless it was the best way for them to learn unless that was the best way for them to listen. 

But did he deserve it? The hits, the yelling, the _burning_ \- No. She hadn't been deserving of getting burned in a long time. If Zuko had been good it wouldn't have happened.

She thinks. 

Azula doesn't know. She knows, logically, that it was wrong. But sometimes she felt herself slipping back to that mentality. She couldn't help the almost completely quieted flinch when someone raised their hand. Couldn't help but always sit in corners because she had to be able to see all the entrances and exits of a room. That she hadn't cried (before the second Agni Kai) since she had been 10 years old. That she couldn't help but lie and lie about everything so much that she had started to believe it herself. That when she was about to kiss a boy for the first time she felt like she finally might have a chance at making her father proud. That when the kiss felt like ash in her veins and made bile rise into her throat she knew that she was broken.

She knew, now, that kissing girls was okay. That boys that liked boys were okay. But she knew that both Zuko and herself hadn't forgotten the words. It was written in how he jumped away from Sokka when someone knocked on the door. How he was unable to stand too close to him before realizing that father wasn't there to stop him.

Now that she thinks about it, it's written on her too. How she was sometimes too afraid to hold Jin's hand when they were at the market. How she never mentioned love or relationships around people. How she was still learning that people knowing and talking about her and Jin's relationship wasn't going to be a death sentence. 

She was so utterly readable. So utterly undeserving of the good she got. She deserved Ba Sing Se, but what did it cost? She didn't deserve a city. She ruled by fear, or did fear rule her? She didn't know anymore. It was such an awful feeling, not knowing. She was always prided on her knowledge, it was how she got praise and how she was interesting and _wanted_ , it was such a sin to be wanted. To feel that someone appreciated you for what you pretended to be. Such was the nature of being wanted.

Azula wanted to be loved. Was that not what she deserved? Or was the opposite true, that she deserved to be hated and cast away. But every time her thoughts spiralled back to that she was reminded of how she needed to be noticed, needed to be seen. She didn't deserve it. Not the help, not the _love_ that made her heart weep. She hurt so many, tainted her name with blood and tears. She deserved to be punished for her actions, to be cast out and abandoned. She hid her hatred well, never putting it on paper or in words. Hid how she deserved to burn.

Oh how she hated the parts that made her whole. Maybe she could get better. Maybe, but she was so scarred and rubbed raw by the wounds of her past she didn't know if she could ever heal. If she wanted to heal. Maybe she deserved to wallow in her own suffering.

No.

She didn't.

"I'm okay" She repeats into the darkness of her own mind. "I'm okay." She lies to the company of her own self.

Maybe if she repeats the lie enough times she can believe it, just like all the other ones.

**Author's Note:**

> Hotline for Domestic Violence: 1-800-799-7233
> 
> National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255


End file.
